grace: 1a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Sometimes when you become sick, you experience a sudden onset of symptoms. It's quite obvious something is wrong.

Sometimes however, you experience a series of symptoms so subtle that you explain them away as the normal aches and pains of daily living. And you go on about your life, not feeling quite right. You make a deal with yourself......if I still feel like this next week, I'll call my doctor and make an appointment.

I don't know about you, but I didn't hold up my end of the deal with myself.

Summer 2008

I had been having subtle symptoms for a few months.......backache, bloating, feeling full quickly, 'intestinal distress' and fatigue. Looking back, I was probably having them for much longer, and it just never registered. Unfourtunately, that is the nature of ovarian cancer, it is an insidious, stealth disease. At the time, I explained it all away, and blamed it on stress. I had just started a new job, my relationship was in rapid decline and going home every night was like walking into a war zone. It never occured to me that I could be seriously ill.

Until I woke up one Tuesday morning in August with a pain in my abdomen that was so bad it brought me to tears. Oh my God, I thought......something is very, very wrong.

I called my partner and he met me at the emergency room. I checked in, and because I was not a priority case I waited...... For twelve hours. 'Bob'* suggested several times that we leave and come back the next day, there might be less of a wait. But I insisted we stay. I knew something bad was going on with my body, and I was afraid what would happen if I left. I was afraid I would put off taking care of whatever it was that was happening to me.

I had twelve long hours to sit. And think. And worry.

Around midnight, I was finally seen by a doctor. After talking to me and giving me a physical exam I was sent for a CT scan and gived a CA125 blood test. At this point, I was already expecting the worst, but at the same time praying fervently for the best. But something inside me already knew.

When the ER doctor returned, my worst fear was confirmed......sort of. They had found a mass in my abdomen, and because of the location and my symptoms, there was a very good chance it was ovarian cancer. I was being admitted for a few days and I would have more tests to get a definative diagnosis. And did I have any questions? Ummm, yeah.....am I going to die? Wait, don't answer that. "No, not right now," I said.

As I lay in the hospital bed, completely exhausted from worry and waiting, and now more worry, I cried. Why God? Why? Cancer??? REALLY??? What am I going to do? This can't be the end, this just can't be.

Grace In Stillness, Or Time To Ban Multitasking

We live in a society today that values results so much, that unless you're doing five things at one time, you're not considered to be productive. Everything is a race to be bigger, better, faster and financially superior. We run and run, spreading ourselves thin and wearing ourselves ragged. When we finally do slow down, we're often too stressed to enjoy life, or we're chastised for not doing anything because we're resting. And before we know it, it's to time to start running again.

I don't know about you, but I'm worn out! I'm tired of doing five things at a time, and feeling like I've not done any of them well. I'm tired of being overwhelmed and stressed out. And I'm over my 'to do' list!!!

I think it's time to be selfish, to make the time to be still and to do things that feed your soul. Stop and enjoy a beautiful day, a good meal, a hand to hold, a gentle breeze in the trees, the sun on your face, your toes in the sand, the tranquility of the water, a smile, a laugh, a tender touch. Stop, breathe deep, and take it all in. Savor every sweet moment. Be still, be peaceful. Ahhh, bliss! Don't you feel better now? Good! Now go get a cold drink and flop down on the porch for the rest of the day........ Lord knows you deserve it.

"The pursuit, even of the best things, ought to be calm and tranquil." ~ Marcus T. Cicero

Letting Go........

Letting go can be painful, but sometimes we hold on so tightly to something, trying desperately to make it work, often much longer than we should. We think that staying is fighting for it, and leaving would be to admit failure. We tell ourselves, if I try harder, if I give up this or sacrifice that I can make it work. But how happy are you, really? Trapped in failing relationship, an unfulfilling job, a oppressive situation. Life is work, but it shouldn't bring you misery and anguish.

Eventually the holding on becomes much more painful than the letting go. It can take a long time to realize this, but when the moment comes, and you loosen your grip, it is nothing less than God's grace in motion. A total relief to your soul. And you are free to blossom.

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Thank you God for my healing.

Namaste,

Nicole