August 2008
It was well past 4:00 AM when I finally cried myself to asleep. I had been admitted for more tests. I was exhausted. I was terrified. And I might have cancer.
After only a few hours of sleep I was awake for the day, laying my hospital bed on the 7th floor staring at the ceiling. I felt a profound sadness.... a fear so deep in my soul I can barely describe it..... a fear that I might die. I remember as a child having nightmares about dying. Being so afraid of my life ending that it would worry me so much I would get a stomach ache. I guess I wasn't dealing with that thought any better as an adult.
Over the next three days I had xrays, blood tests, a colonoscopy and CT scans. I was scheduled for a needle biopsy of the mass in my abdomen but the radiologist refused to do the procedure. The possibility that the mass could rupture was too great. And in retrospect, his refusal was a blessing.
By Friday they were ready to make a (probable) diagnosis. My doctor stood at the foot of my bed and in a very calm voice said "we can't be 100% sure because we were not able to do the needle biopsy, but based on your CA125 and your CT scan,
we believe you have ovarian cancer."
My heart sank. 'Oh dear God,' I thought. 'No, no, no, NO!!! NO!!! This can't be happening!!'
My doctor started to explain what my course of treatment would be, and quoted the ovarian cancer survival statistics. They believed my cancer was Stage 3 or 4, which was not good. But I wasn't retaining any of it. My mind went numb, and I swear I went deaf. I was crying, I was shaking, I was completely terrified.
I was to be discharged that day, and would come back on Tuesday morning for the surgery. They would perform a debulking, and after I recovered I would have 6 months of chemotherapy.
I don't remember much of that conversation. The doctor left and I sat on the bed holding my partner's hand. Tears streaming down my face, the fear was overwhelming.
'Oh my God.....this could kill me.'
