grace: 1a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Sometimes when you become sick, you experience a sudden onset of symptoms. It's quite obvious something is wrong.

Sometimes however, you experience a series of symptoms so subtle that you explain them away as the normal aches and pains of daily living. And you go on about your life, not feeling quite right. You make a deal with yourself......if I still feel like this next week, I'll call my doctor and make an appointment.

I don't know about you, but I didn't hold up my end of the deal with myself.

Summer 2008

I had been having subtle symptoms for a few months.......backache, bloating, feeling full quickly, 'intestinal distress' and fatigue. Looking back, I was probably having them for much longer, and it just never registered. Unfourtunately, that is the nature of ovarian cancer, it is an insidious, stealth disease. At the time, I explained it all away, and blamed it on stress. I had just started a new job, my relationship was in rapid decline and going home every night was like walking into a war zone. It never occured to me that I could be seriously ill.

Until I woke up one Tuesday morning in August with a pain in my abdomen that was so bad it brought me to tears. Oh my God, I thought......something is very, very wrong.

I called my partner and he met me at the emergency room. I checked in, and because I was not a priority case I waited...... For twelve hours. 'Bob'* suggested several times that we leave and come back the next day, there might be less of a wait. But I insisted we stay. I knew something bad was going on with my body, and I was afraid what would happen if I left. I was afraid I would put off taking care of whatever it was that was happening to me.

I had twelve long hours to sit. And think. And worry.

Around midnight, I was finally seen by a doctor. After talking to me and giving me a physical exam I was sent for a CT scan and gived a CA125 blood test. At this point, I was already expecting the worst, but at the same time praying fervently for the best. But something inside me already knew.

When the ER doctor returned, my worst fear was confirmed......sort of. They had found a mass in my abdomen, and because of the location and my symptoms, there was a very good chance it was ovarian cancer. I was being admitted for a few days and I would have more tests to get a definative diagnosis. And did I have any questions? Ummm, yeah.....am I going to die? Wait, don't answer that. "No, not right now," I said.

As I lay in the hospital bed, completely exhausted from worry and waiting, and now more worry, I cried. Why God? Why? Cancer??? REALLY??? What am I going to do? This can't be the end, this just can't be.

Grace In Stillness, Or Time To Ban Multitasking

We live in a society today that values results so much, that unless you're doing five things at one time, you're not considered to be productive. Everything is a race to be bigger, better, faster and financially superior. We run and run, spreading ourselves thin and wearing ourselves ragged. When we finally do slow down, we're often too stressed to enjoy life, or we're chastised for not doing anything because we're resting. And before we know it, it's to time to start running again.

I don't know about you, but I'm worn out! I'm tired of doing five things at a time, and feeling like I've not done any of them well. I'm tired of being overwhelmed and stressed out. And I'm over my 'to do' list!!!

I think it's time to be selfish, to make the time to be still and to do things that feed your soul. Stop and enjoy a beautiful day, a good meal, a hand to hold, a gentle breeze in the trees, the sun on your face, your toes in the sand, the tranquility of the water, a smile, a laugh, a tender touch. Stop, breathe deep, and take it all in. Savor every sweet moment. Be still, be peaceful. Ahhh, bliss! Don't you feel better now? Good! Now go get a cold drink and flop down on the porch for the rest of the day........ Lord knows you deserve it.

"The pursuit, even of the best things, ought to be calm and tranquil." ~ Marcus T. Cicero

Letting Go........

Letting go can be painful, but sometimes we hold on so tightly to something, trying desperately to make it work, often much longer than we should. We think that staying is fighting for it, and leaving would be to admit failure. We tell ourselves, if I try harder, if I give up this or sacrifice that I can make it work. But how happy are you, really? Trapped in failing relationship, an unfulfilling job, a oppressive situation. Life is work, but it shouldn't bring you misery and anguish.

Eventually the holding on becomes much more painful than the letting go. It can take a long time to realize this, but when the moment comes, and you loosen your grip, it is nothing less than God's grace in motion. A total relief to your soul. And you are free to blossom.

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Thank you God for my healing.

Namaste,

Nicole

Redefining Failure, Or How To Be Kind To Yourself

failure: 1a: ommission of occurance or performance
2a: a lack of success
3a: a falling short

perspective: 2b: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance

success: 1: outcome, result
2b: favorable or desired outcome

I met someone this week that gave me the greatest clarity on the subject of failure. He was quite emphatic in his belief that his opportunity to have the life he desired had passed him by completely........at the age of 55. Long ago, he had taken the risk to pursue his dream career, his passion. He had to change the course of his life before things really took off. And now, many years later, he has a job he doesn't enjoy and he feels trapped..... not a happy person. When I suggested he pursue his dream now, Wow! Did I hit a nerve! He became upset, and said that was just not possible..... one does not become a ballerina at the age of 25, he explained, one becomes a ballerina starting at the age of 5!
In his mind his dream had died, and could not be resurrected.
Why not 'wrap your dream around who you are now?' I said. Redefine it, follow what makes you happy, it's not too late. No, no, no, that was just not going to work.
I could not disagree with him more!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." ~ George Eliot

For a very long time, I have struggled with the idea of failure. For most of us, this goes back to our childhoods, where when our behavior did not produce the desired results for someone else - mainly our parents or teachers - we were told we had failed, we fell short, missed the mark, or screwed up. A lot of us (like me) were led to believe that failure in our youth would lead to a life of failure. I don't know about you, but I am at a point in my life where I am really tired of being told that I have failed at something just because it didn't turn out the way somebody else wanted! I want to feel motivated, inspired and valued! Time to shift my perspective of failure.

Dr. Wayne Dyer believes there is no such thing as failure. He says: "If you swing at a golf ball, and the ball dribbles off to the side, you haven't really failed, you've produced a result. The question in life isn't whether you fail, the question is, what do you do with the results you've produced?" Do you automatically give up, or do you try again? He believes that if you label yourself a failure, it becomes your reality. "Failure is another judgemental term. One person's failure is another person's enormous success."

(Cue angelic music......'Ahhhhhhhh!') Wow! How does THAT feel?

AND, if success by definition, is an outcome or result, who the hell is anyone to tell you you've failed??? It's time to be kind to ourselves folks! Stop listening to our inner saboteurs, or our outer ones, for that matter! It's time to redefine failure, and to give oursleves a break for once, people!
And this does not mean we're not passionate, competitive or driven. This just means that we are shifting our perespective, and redefining what the desired outcome means to us.

So who cares if I haven't been a ballerina since I was 5? I'm dancing to my own music at the age of 46. It's not exactly Swann Lake, but from my perspective, I'm the prima ballerina in my life.

Thank you God for my healing.
Namste,
Nicole

An Epiphany

epiphany
noun
\i-pi-fe-ne\

2: an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being.

3 a (3): an illuminated discovery, realization, or disclosure.




Ah, another New Year. The bittersweet end to a season of fun, family and holidays. Like most of us, this is the time of year I look back in retrospect, at everything that I have experienced over the last twelve months.

This was an amazing year for me......I made a major life change by packing up and moving 650 miles away to North Carolina. And in doing that, I was finally able to put closure on a relationship that clearly needed to be over and done with. (For quite a while, I might add.) A new city to discover, a new job with my company, new friends, new place to live, new relationships with newly discovered siblings, and a renewed relationship with my sister (and her family.)

A new me. A fresh start!
Excellent!

I had made the decision to move nine months earlier, and had been waiting for a position to open up with my company. While I waited, my focus and determination grew. I had already picked out places to live, things to do and see, planned the logistics of my move, even put it on my vision board. In my mind, I could see myself already living there, and it made me happy. In March, a job finally became available. ( Got to love the Law of Attraction, baby!) Four weeks later, my belongings were on the way to storage in Raleigh, and my sister and I were in my car, driving north on I75. As we crossed the Florida state line, I breathed a sigh of relief. A new sense of peace started to replace the stress, and I could feel the miles separate me from my life in Florida as we drove.

You could say that took a fair amount of courage, and you would be right. You do have to be a bit brave to break away from what you know, the comfortable, even if you're not in a great place. What you know is better than what you don't know, right?? I think we've all been there at some point in our lives. But how much can you take before you decide to take the risk? To put fear aside and put yourself out there, to go after what you want?

Many of us made resolutions in the last two weeks, hopes and desires for what we want to accomplish in 2011. I have many, and as I listed them it occurred to me - I've made this list before. Why are the same things on this list as last year? And then, a personal epiphany. What if, instead of making a bunch of resolutions that go by the wayside by the first of February, why not make just one: LIVE FEARLESSLY!


So, I am throwing off the bow lines, sailing away from the safe harbor, and leaving fear on the shoreline behind me.

Thank you God for my healing.
Nicole



"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain

grace: 4 a: a short prayer at a meal asking a blessing or giving thanks.

On this, the last day of November - a month dedicated to thanks and gratitude - my final thoughts on the subject are in my own words.

I've reflected this month on all that I have to be thankful for, and my heart is content. I have a beautiful life. It's not perfect, and I have challenges like everyone else. But it is, without a doubt, filled with grace and joy.

I have friends and family that love me, and the connections I have with them are my most cherished possessions.
I have a strong faith and I love with abandon.
I have a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on my table.
I have the ability to see the beauty in the smallest things, and the realization that each day is a blessing.
And for all of this, I am eternally grateful.


Anything above and beyond this, is just icing on the cake.

Thank you God for my healing.
Nicole

A Special Favor

I think the Universe has a way of gently tapping us on the shoulder when we seem to veer off our life course. A nudge, a sign, a gift, if you will. Meant to get our attention, hopefully setting us straight so we can forge ahead again, full tilt towards our destiny.

Sometimes we listen.

Sometimes we don't.


Tap, tap, tap.


December 26th, 2007.

I woke up early the day after Christmas. I had to work. (Retail. The day after. Sigh.)

Still half asleep, I shuffled into the kitchen to make my morning coffee. I had a small delay when the coffee filters would not cooperate. I blew on them gently, to get them to separate. Something didn't feel right - my mouth felt funny. I touched the right side of my mouth, then my cheek. I couldn't feel my own touch. I shot over to the mirror in the foyer to look. Panic!!! Oh my God!! The right side of my face was drooping. Smile. Frown. Raise my eyebrows. Nothing! Holy crap!! Was I having a stroke?

I ran into the bedroom where my partner was sleeping and shook him awake. "Something's wrong! The right side of my face isn't moving!"

He sat up, looked at me for a moment and said "It doesn't look that bad."

Are you freaking kidding me??

"I think I'm having a stroke! Get up! You're taking me to the emergency room!!"

Before we leave, he calls his mother - she's a retired nurse. She tells him: "It's one of two things. Get her to the emergency room now!" So off to Brandon Regional Hospital we go. I call my boss on the way and let her know I won't be in today. I might be having a stroke, by the way.

When we arrive, I'm assessed at the front desk and immediately taken to an exam room. After an exam and several tests, it is determined that I have Bell's Palsy, a temporary facial paralysis. It usually results from a viral or bacterial infection that can cause inflammation and swelling to the facial nerves, paralyzing the one - or both - sides of the face. Seriously?? Never heard of it! But I did have chicken pox as a child, so I understand the correlation. But what caused it now? Several things can trigger it, in my case it was probably brought on by stress. (Me? Stress?)

But I'm really concerned that this might be permanent. No, the doctor tells me, most people have a full recovery. So I'm sent home with a prescription and instructions to take care of my right eye, which will not close when I sleep. And a referral for physical therapy.

I stayed home from work for a week, mostly because I was very self conscious around people. The right side of my face was drooping, I couldn't blink my right eye, eating and drinking was a challenge and I talked with a lisp. I went to physical therapy twice a week for several weeks, and eventually made a full recovery.

Looking back in retrospect, the Bell's Palsy really was the first sign that I had strayed from my path. I was totally stressed out from work, I was in a relationship that brought me more tension than happiness and I was feeling less than hopeful. My family tried to tell me that I should slow down and change my life, take better care of myself.

Unfortunately, I didn't listen.


Thank you God for my healing.
Nicole