On Letting Go......

A dear high school friend asked me to be a guest blogger on her blog - LDS Conversion Confusion - to help bring awareness to National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. She and I are also, unfortunatley,connected by ovarian cancer. Her mother Kay, passed from it many years ago. I walked in honor of her mother's life at The Gail Parkins Memorial Ovarian Cancer Walk this year, as I did last year. It makes me smile when I remember the stories Carolynn told me about her mother. I carry a piece of Kay in my heart, and that makes me more determined to make a difference in the lives of women touched by this disease.

When Carolynn asked me to do this I said 'what should I write about?' 'What about your faith and your cancer experience?' she said. Brilliant.

I've tried to write about this aspect of my journey several times in the last year. I could never seem to find the words to describe how I felt, until Carolynn's request.

Perhaps He didn't think I was ready.

Here's what I wrote......

 

 

 

 

I think it's a fair assumption to say that a cancer diagnosis puts your relationship with God into perspective, immediately. Some choose to abandon the relationship, believing that this was done to them as a punishment. They abandon what little faith they had to begin with, and suffer through perhaps the most difficult time in their lives alone.

My perspective was just the opposite. I believe God was trying to get my attention. He had tried over the years, through a few minor health issues, to tell me I was on the wrong path. I was in a toxic relationship that did nothing for my self worth, I was miserable at my job, and over the years I had pretty much surrendered who I was in my heart and soul to someone else, in hopes of making broken relationships work. And while the previous health issues had been a tap on the shoulder, the words "You have ovarian cancer" were a great big spiritual two by four upside my head. The following moments were terrifying. I asked "Why God, WHY?" But within minutes of my diagnosis, He sent me an angel to give me hope, to change my perspective and to point me to the right road.

A sweet, caring woman had overheard the phone conversations my partner had had with our families, telling them about my diagnosis. She waited until he was done, and asked him to tell me I would be all right, I could survive.

In a startling moment of clarity - broken relationship - he brought her to my hospital room. Twenty minutes after my ovarian cancer diagnosis, I had an angel before me - God's messenger telling me I could survive, I could be a positive statistic. You see, she was an eight year survivor of ovarian cancer. It was in that moment that I knew how it was going to turn out. It was like someone had flipped a light switch. I was not done yet, and I would survive this. Because I had not yet lived the life I was supposed to, and I wasn't going anywhere until I had. The panic gave way to fierce determination. And faith helped keep the fear at bay.

I believe it is a profoundly different thing to go through cancer - or any illness - believing, knowing that you will survive, rather than worrying that you might die.

He sent me angels throughout my hospital stay, from the operating room nurse named Grace, to the dolphins swimming in Tampa Bay outside my hospital room at Tampa General Hospital. My doctor, Dr. Mitchell Hoffman, and his students and staff, all were placed in my life to guide me through my cancer experience. I had complete trust in his ability, and in the care I recieved from everyone at the hospital. My surgery, recovery, chemotherapy and the last three years of aftercare have been free of complications and I feel better now that I have in years.

I have truly been blessed.

I remember how scared I was as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I lay there looking at the lights above me, and as they placed the anesthesia mask over my face, I knew I was going to be okay. The light and love of God surrounded me, the prayers of those that were praying for me called upon His angels to protect me, and no matter what happened, I was safe. This was my mantra as I drifted off.

I chose to let go of what was happening to me. And as much as I gave my body to the doctors to mend me physically, I gave my heart and soul to God to mend me spiritually and guide me through my cancer.

And it was in that letting go, that surrendering of control and (most) of my fear, that I was lifted up.

Thank you God for my healing.

Namaste,

Nicole

Follow the link below to go to Carolynn's blog, LDS Conversion Confusion.

http://ldsconversionconfusion.com/

My Ovarian Cancer PSA

Please share with your friends and family.....

Teal Every Woman Knows.

http://vimeo.com/28554207

Teal Every Woman Knows.........

September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month.

As an Ovarian Cancer 'Surthrivor', this month has great meaning to me. One of the gifts my cancer has given me is the desire to raise awareness of ovarian cancer and use my experience to help ensure less women go through what I went through.

But in the three years since my diagnosis, surgery and chemo, I have noticed that the campaign to raise ovarian cancer awareness doesn't have quite the momentum that breast cancer does. The 'Big Pink Machine' as I call it, has turned Breast Cancer Awareness Month into a year round awareness project. And while I do not mean any disrespect to my BRCA sisters, awareness is a great thing, but I get pretty irritated when I walk into a big box store (that will remain unnamed) on September 1st, and run into a big Wall O'Pink right inside the front door. It's SEPTEMBER!!! Where's the TEAL???? Where is MY awareness?? Why is my cancer less important??

More towns turn pink in October than teal in September. But my beloved hometown of Huntington, New York gets major props for turning teal. Friends that still live there have sent pictures of the parking meters ribboned in teal. I love it!! And yet, I am hard pressed to find the same here in Raleigh, North Carolina.

There are organizations in the area that are working to change that, and I am fortunate to be able to participate in The Gail Parkins Memorial Ovarian Cancer Walk & 5K Run again this year. This year $311,000 were raised and donated to Duke Cancer Center, earmarked specifically for ovarian cancer research. My team - Team Phoenix - raised $2233 and had 20 team members. We walked in honor and in memory of many wonderful women. A very moving and emotional day for me.

But still, I don't think enough is done to make women aware of ovarian cancer. And while many more women will be diagnosed with breast cancer than ovarian cancer this year, the percentage of women that survive ovarian cancer is at least 30% less than those that survive breast cancer.

It is the most deadly of all the GYN cancers. And unlike cervical and breast cancer, ovarian cancer has no early detection test. So knowing the symptoms and being aware of your body are your best defense against it. So WHY are we not talking about it??

I got the idea in my head that I was going to change that. I decided to make my own ovarian cancer Public Service Announcement. So I asked my friend Forrest MacCormack to help me. The result is so much more amazing than I imagined, and I am excited with how it's turned out. Forrest is a good friend, and a brilliant photographer. The almost finished product is here for you to watch and hopefully share with your friends and family. It's my way of starting my own grass roots ovarian cancer awareness campaign. After I've got you all aware of ovarian cancer, we're going to start talking about all cancers.

Because to me, every cancer deserves attention, every life deserves to be saved.

Thank you God for my healing.

Namaste,

Nicole

grace 1a: unmerited divine assistance; Part 2

August 2008

It was well past 4:00 AM when I finally cried myself to asleep. I had been admitted for more tests. I was exhausted. I was terrified. And I might have cancer.

After only a few hours of sleep I was awake for the day, laying my hospital bed on the 7th floor staring at the ceiling. I felt a profound sadness.... a fear so deep in my soul I can barely describe it..... a fear that I might die. I remember as a child having nightmares about dying. Being so afraid of my life ending that it would worry me so much I would get a stomach ache. I guess I wasn't dealing with that thought any better as an adult.

Over the next three days I had xrays, blood tests, a colonoscopy and CT scans. I was scheduled for a needle biopsy of the mass in my abdomen but the radiologist refused to do the procedure. The possibility that the mass could rupture was too great. And in retrospect, his refusal was a blessing.

By Friday they were ready to make a (probable) diagnosis. My doctor stood at the foot of my bed and in a very calm voice said "we can't be 100% sure because we were not able to do the needle biopsy, but based on your CA125 and your CT scan,

we believe you have ovarian cancer."

My heart sank. 'Oh dear God,' I thought. 'No, no, no, NO!!! NO!!! This can't be happening!!'

My doctor started to explain what my course of treatment would be, and quoted the ovarian cancer survival statistics. They believed my cancer was Stage 3 or 4, which was not good. But I wasn't retaining any of it. My mind went numb, and I swear I went deaf. I was crying, I was shaking, I was completely terrified.

I was to be discharged that day, and would come back on Tuesday morning for the surgery. They would perform a debulking, and after I recovered I would have 6 months of chemotherapy.

I don't remember much of that conversation. The doctor left and I sat on the bed holding my partner's hand. Tears streaming down my face, the fear was overwhelming.

'Oh my God.....this could kill me.'

grace: 1a: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification

Sometimes when you become sick, you experience a sudden onset of symptoms. It's quite obvious something is wrong.

Sometimes however, you experience a series of symptoms so subtle that you explain them away as the normal aches and pains of daily living. And you go on about your life, not feeling quite right. You make a deal with yourself......if I still feel like this next week, I'll call my doctor and make an appointment.

I don't know about you, but I didn't hold up my end of the deal with myself.

Summer 2008

I had been having subtle symptoms for a few months.......backache, bloating, feeling full quickly, 'intestinal distress' and fatigue. Looking back, I was probably having them for much longer, and it just never registered. Unfourtunately, that is the nature of ovarian cancer, it is an insidious, stealth disease. At the time, I explained it all away, and blamed it on stress. I had just started a new job, my relationship was in rapid decline and going home every night was like walking into a war zone. It never occured to me that I could be seriously ill.

Until I woke up one Tuesday morning in August with a pain in my abdomen that was so bad it brought me to tears. Oh my God, I thought......something is very, very wrong.

I called my partner and he met me at the emergency room. I checked in, and because I was not a priority case I waited...... For twelve hours. 'Bob'* suggested several times that we leave and come back the next day, there might be less of a wait. But I insisted we stay. I knew something bad was going on with my body, and I was afraid what would happen if I left. I was afraid I would put off taking care of whatever it was that was happening to me.

I had twelve long hours to sit. And think. And worry.

Around midnight, I was finally seen by a doctor. After talking to me and giving me a physical exam I was sent for a CT scan and gived a CA125 blood test. At this point, I was already expecting the worst, but at the same time praying fervently for the best. But something inside me already knew.

When the ER doctor returned, my worst fear was confirmed......sort of. They had found a mass in my abdomen, and because of the location and my symptoms, there was a very good chance it was ovarian cancer. I was being admitted for a few days and I would have more tests to get a definative diagnosis. And did I have any questions? Ummm, yeah.....am I going to die? Wait, don't answer that. "No, not right now," I said.

As I lay in the hospital bed, completely exhausted from worry and waiting, and now more worry, I cried. Why God? Why? Cancer??? REALLY??? What am I going to do? This can't be the end, this just can't be.

Grace In Stillness, Or Time To Ban Multitasking

We live in a society today that values results so much, that unless you're doing five things at one time, you're not considered to be productive. Everything is a race to be bigger, better, faster and financially superior. We run and run, spreading ourselves thin and wearing ourselves ragged. When we finally do slow down, we're often too stressed to enjoy life, or we're chastised for not doing anything because we're resting. And before we know it, it's to time to start running again.

I don't know about you, but I'm worn out! I'm tired of doing five things at a time, and feeling like I've not done any of them well. I'm tired of being overwhelmed and stressed out. And I'm over my 'to do' list!!!

I think it's time to be selfish, to make the time to be still and to do things that feed your soul. Stop and enjoy a beautiful day, a good meal, a hand to hold, a gentle breeze in the trees, the sun on your face, your toes in the sand, the tranquility of the water, a smile, a laugh, a tender touch. Stop, breathe deep, and take it all in. Savor every sweet moment. Be still, be peaceful. Ahhh, bliss! Don't you feel better now? Good! Now go get a cold drink and flop down on the porch for the rest of the day........ Lord knows you deserve it.

"The pursuit, even of the best things, ought to be calm and tranquil." ~ Marcus T. Cicero

Letting Go........

Letting go can be painful, but sometimes we hold on so tightly to something, trying desperately to make it work, often much longer than we should. We think that staying is fighting for it, and leaving would be to admit failure. We tell ourselves, if I try harder, if I give up this or sacrifice that I can make it work. But how happy are you, really? Trapped in failing relationship, an unfulfilling job, a oppressive situation. Life is work, but it shouldn't bring you misery and anguish.

Eventually the holding on becomes much more painful than the letting go. It can take a long time to realize this, but when the moment comes, and you loosen your grip, it is nothing less than God's grace in motion. A total relief to your soul. And you are free to blossom.

"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~ Anais Nin

Thank you God for my healing.

Namaste,

Nicole

Redefining Failure, Or How To Be Kind To Yourself

failure: 1a: ommission of occurance or performance
2a: a lack of success
3a: a falling short

perspective: 2b: the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance

success: 1: outcome, result
2b: favorable or desired outcome

I met someone this week that gave me the greatest clarity on the subject of failure. He was quite emphatic in his belief that his opportunity to have the life he desired had passed him by completely........at the age of 55. Long ago, he had taken the risk to pursue his dream career, his passion. He had to change the course of his life before things really took off. And now, many years later, he has a job he doesn't enjoy and he feels trapped..... not a happy person. When I suggested he pursue his dream now, Wow! Did I hit a nerve! He became upset, and said that was just not possible..... one does not become a ballerina at the age of 25, he explained, one becomes a ballerina starting at the age of 5!
In his mind his dream had died, and could not be resurrected.
Why not 'wrap your dream around who you are now?' I said. Redefine it, follow what makes you happy, it's not too late. No, no, no, that was just not going to work.
I could not disagree with him more!

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." ~ George Eliot

For a very long time, I have struggled with the idea of failure. For most of us, this goes back to our childhoods, where when our behavior did not produce the desired results for someone else - mainly our parents or teachers - we were told we had failed, we fell short, missed the mark, or screwed up. A lot of us (like me) were led to believe that failure in our youth would lead to a life of failure. I don't know about you, but I am at a point in my life where I am really tired of being told that I have failed at something just because it didn't turn out the way somebody else wanted! I want to feel motivated, inspired and valued! Time to shift my perspective of failure.

Dr. Wayne Dyer believes there is no such thing as failure. He says: "If you swing at a golf ball, and the ball dribbles off to the side, you haven't really failed, you've produced a result. The question in life isn't whether you fail, the question is, what do you do with the results you've produced?" Do you automatically give up, or do you try again? He believes that if you label yourself a failure, it becomes your reality. "Failure is another judgemental term. One person's failure is another person's enormous success."

(Cue angelic music......'Ahhhhhhhh!') Wow! How does THAT feel?

AND, if success by definition, is an outcome or result, who the hell is anyone to tell you you've failed??? It's time to be kind to ourselves folks! Stop listening to our inner saboteurs, or our outer ones, for that matter! It's time to redefine failure, and to give oursleves a break for once, people!
And this does not mean we're not passionate, competitive or driven. This just means that we are shifting our perespective, and redefining what the desired outcome means to us.

So who cares if I haven't been a ballerina since I was 5? I'm dancing to my own music at the age of 46. It's not exactly Swann Lake, but from my perspective, I'm the prima ballerina in my life.

Thank you God for my healing.
Namste,
Nicole

An Epiphany

epiphany
noun
\i-pi-fe-ne\

2: an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being.

3 a (3): an illuminated discovery, realization, or disclosure.




Ah, another New Year. The bittersweet end to a season of fun, family and holidays. Like most of us, this is the time of year I look back in retrospect, at everything that I have experienced over the last twelve months.

This was an amazing year for me......I made a major life change by packing up and moving 650 miles away to North Carolina. And in doing that, I was finally able to put closure on a relationship that clearly needed to be over and done with. (For quite a while, I might add.) A new city to discover, a new job with my company, new friends, new place to live, new relationships with newly discovered siblings, and a renewed relationship with my sister (and her family.)

A new me. A fresh start!
Excellent!

I had made the decision to move nine months earlier, and had been waiting for a position to open up with my company. While I waited, my focus and determination grew. I had already picked out places to live, things to do and see, planned the logistics of my move, even put it on my vision board. In my mind, I could see myself already living there, and it made me happy. In March, a job finally became available. ( Got to love the Law of Attraction, baby!) Four weeks later, my belongings were on the way to storage in Raleigh, and my sister and I were in my car, driving north on I75. As we crossed the Florida state line, I breathed a sigh of relief. A new sense of peace started to replace the stress, and I could feel the miles separate me from my life in Florida as we drove.

You could say that took a fair amount of courage, and you would be right. You do have to be a bit brave to break away from what you know, the comfortable, even if you're not in a great place. What you know is better than what you don't know, right?? I think we've all been there at some point in our lives. But how much can you take before you decide to take the risk? To put fear aside and put yourself out there, to go after what you want?

Many of us made resolutions in the last two weeks, hopes and desires for what we want to accomplish in 2011. I have many, and as I listed them it occurred to me - I've made this list before. Why are the same things on this list as last year? And then, a personal epiphany. What if, instead of making a bunch of resolutions that go by the wayside by the first of February, why not make just one: LIVE FEARLESSLY!


So, I am throwing off the bow lines, sailing away from the safe harbor, and leaving fear on the shoreline behind me.

Thank you God for my healing.
Nicole



"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." ~ Mark Twain