On Letting Go......

A dear high school friend asked me to be a guest blogger on her blog - LDS Conversion Confusion - to help bring awareness to National Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month. She and I are also, unfortunatley,connected by ovarian cancer. Her mother Kay, passed from it many years ago. I walked in honor of her mother's life at The Gail Parkins Memorial Ovarian Cancer Walk this year, as I did last year. It makes me smile when I remember the stories Carolynn told me about her mother. I carry a piece of Kay in my heart, and that makes me more determined to make a difference in the lives of women touched by this disease.

When Carolynn asked me to do this I said 'what should I write about?' 'What about your faith and your cancer experience?' she said. Brilliant.

I've tried to write about this aspect of my journey several times in the last year. I could never seem to find the words to describe how I felt, until Carolynn's request.

Perhaps He didn't think I was ready.

Here's what I wrote......

 

 

 

 

I think it's a fair assumption to say that a cancer diagnosis puts your relationship with God into perspective, immediately. Some choose to abandon the relationship, believing that this was done to them as a punishment. They abandon what little faith they had to begin with, and suffer through perhaps the most difficult time in their lives alone.

My perspective was just the opposite. I believe God was trying to get my attention. He had tried over the years, through a few minor health issues, to tell me I was on the wrong path. I was in a toxic relationship that did nothing for my self worth, I was miserable at my job, and over the years I had pretty much surrendered who I was in my heart and soul to someone else, in hopes of making broken relationships work. And while the previous health issues had been a tap on the shoulder, the words "You have ovarian cancer" were a great big spiritual two by four upside my head. The following moments were terrifying. I asked "Why God, WHY?" But within minutes of my diagnosis, He sent me an angel to give me hope, to change my perspective and to point me to the right road.

A sweet, caring woman had overheard the phone conversations my partner had had with our families, telling them about my diagnosis. She waited until he was done, and asked him to tell me I would be all right, I could survive.

In a startling moment of clarity - broken relationship - he brought her to my hospital room. Twenty minutes after my ovarian cancer diagnosis, I had an angel before me - God's messenger telling me I could survive, I could be a positive statistic. You see, she was an eight year survivor of ovarian cancer. It was in that moment that I knew how it was going to turn out. It was like someone had flipped a light switch. I was not done yet, and I would survive this. Because I had not yet lived the life I was supposed to, and I wasn't going anywhere until I had. The panic gave way to fierce determination. And faith helped keep the fear at bay.

I believe it is a profoundly different thing to go through cancer - or any illness - believing, knowing that you will survive, rather than worrying that you might die.

He sent me angels throughout my hospital stay, from the operating room nurse named Grace, to the dolphins swimming in Tampa Bay outside my hospital room at Tampa General Hospital. My doctor, Dr. Mitchell Hoffman, and his students and staff, all were placed in my life to guide me through my cancer experience. I had complete trust in his ability, and in the care I recieved from everyone at the hospital. My surgery, recovery, chemotherapy and the last three years of aftercare have been free of complications and I feel better now that I have in years.

I have truly been blessed.

I remember how scared I was as I was being wheeled into the operating room. I lay there looking at the lights above me, and as they placed the anesthesia mask over my face, I knew I was going to be okay. The light and love of God surrounded me, the prayers of those that were praying for me called upon His angels to protect me, and no matter what happened, I was safe. This was my mantra as I drifted off.

I chose to let go of what was happening to me. And as much as I gave my body to the doctors to mend me physically, I gave my heart and soul to God to mend me spiritually and guide me through my cancer.

And it was in that letting go, that surrendering of control and (most) of my fear, that I was lifted up.

Thank you God for my healing.

Namaste,

Nicole

Follow the link below to go to Carolynn's blog, LDS Conversion Confusion.

http://ldsconversionconfusion.com/