When I was maybe fifteen years old or so, I imagined what my life would be like when I was 35. Twenty years after my 'tortured' teenage life, what would I have become? What would I have done with my life?
I am a child of the 70's and the 80's. A time when women were coming into their own and finding their voice, demanding equal rights, equal pay and burning their bras. My mother embraced the women's liberation movement. She straddled the line between traditional responsibilities and working her ass off to break through the male dominated bureaucratic nonsense. She taught my sister and I that we could be whatever we wanted to be. I had big ideas and big dreams. Professional musician, bohemian poet, music therapist, business woman....... all were exactly what I wanted to be at one point or another in my high school years. There were a few things that always remained a constant in every metamorphosis I imagined: marriage and children. No matter what my career 'du jour' was,
I always saw myself married with at least two children. I saw myself 'having it all'.
Things didn't quite work out like I thought they would.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner
If you are blessed with ability to see beauty in the everyday, unexpected, perhaps even 'ugly' things in life,
don't ever let anyone take that away from you. Don't let anyone make you feel silly or foolish for being positive and optimistic. Don't let them dull your sparkle, harsh your mellow, squash your dreams, diminish your joy
or put you in the proverbial 'corner'. Don't let them make you feel small and insignificant just because they are intimidated by your BIG, awesome light. Shine that shit like a light house, baby!
I know it might be difficult. You might be completely surrounded my Negative Nancys. They might try to beat you down and hold you back. They choose not to be happy, and they don't want you to be either. But be strong and stay the course. Your persistence will do one of two things: Shut them down or turn them around. You just keep on keepin' on.
Believe it or not, there are some people don't wish to feel the sunshine on their face, they prefer to cower under their raincloud of misery. It's more comfortable to stay stuck where they are, perfectly unhappy in their world of lack and limitations.
Not me. I much prefer abundance and endless possibilities.
A bit unrealistic, you say? Well, you're entitled to your opinion. But I prefer to think of it as joyously optimistic.
And I am beyond fine with that.
Now, could you please hand me my rose colored glasses? I'm going to need them today - it's raining outside.
Ciao!
Nicole
don't ever let anyone take that away from you. Don't let anyone make you feel silly or foolish for being positive and optimistic. Don't let them dull your sparkle, harsh your mellow, squash your dreams, diminish your joy
or put you in the proverbial 'corner'. Don't let them make you feel small and insignificant just because they are intimidated by your BIG, awesome light. Shine that shit like a light house, baby!
I know it might be difficult. You might be completely surrounded my Negative Nancys. They might try to beat you down and hold you back. They choose not to be happy, and they don't want you to be either. But be strong and stay the course. Your persistence will do one of two things: Shut them down or turn them around. You just keep on keepin' on.
Believe it or not, there are some people don't wish to feel the sunshine on their face, they prefer to cower under their raincloud of misery. It's more comfortable to stay stuck where they are, perfectly unhappy in their world of lack and limitations.
Not me. I much prefer abundance and endless possibilities.
A bit unrealistic, you say? Well, you're entitled to your opinion. But I prefer to think of it as joyously optimistic.
And I am beyond fine with that.
Now, could you please hand me my rose colored glasses? I'm going to need them today - it's raining outside.
Ciao!
Nicole
It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. ~ Henry David Thoreau
Monday, March 4, 2013
Florida, Sunsets And Gratitude
One of the things I miss the most about living in Florida is watching the sun set. It's engrained in the culture there.
In Key West locals and tourists alike gather at Mallory Square every day for Sunset Celebration. Originated by Tennessee Williams - as the legend goes - who would applaud the end of the day with the sun set.
And a gin and tonic.
Today it has evolved into a party with artists, entertainers, music and food. Everyone gathers to watch as the sun sinks lower and lower into the Gulf. And when the last fiery bit of it slips below the water line the crowd erupts into cheers and applause. The sky burns orange on the horizon, and fades into pale lilac and then dark purple as night follows closely behind. If you're lucky there will be a few clouds that add an incredible layer of dimension to the show. Truly beautiful, breathtaking-Glory-of-God moments.
And Florida is so ridiculously flat, if you lived anywhere on the Gulf Coast you could catch the sunset any time.
I used to sit in the grocery store parking lot after work and watch!
But my favorite place in Florida to watch the sun set is Pass A Grille beach. As a child, my family would vacation every summer in St. Petersburg and we spent a lot of time there. The snack bar, The Hurricane restaurant and that beach hold many memories. As an adult living in Brandon, I would make the almost hour long drive to go sit in the sand and watch the sun go down. This was particularly soothing to me during some difficult times. Somehow being there would calm me and help me put things in perspective. And always I would be filled with a deep sense of gratitude.
Since moving to Raleigh I have had a difficult time finding the proper vantage point to catch a spectacular sunset, like the ones I'm used to. This area is much more hilly and densely wooded that it's not as easy as you would think. As I become more familiar with the town I make a mental note when I happen to find a sweet spot.
I am also lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the sunset from the hill just outside my apartment. But it's just not the same as my Florida sunsets.
The most beautiful sunset I have seen in North Carolina was ironically enough, in a grocery store parking lot. It was also the last sunset of 2012. I caught it by accident. I stood at the edge of the lot with cars whizzing by, and I watched the glorious show. With joy and gratitude I said 'Thank You' for another day. And I smiled because I had the overwhelming sense the He was telling me the best is yet to come. It was a perfect way to end the year.
In Key West locals and tourists alike gather at Mallory Square every day for Sunset Celebration. Originated by Tennessee Williams - as the legend goes - who would applaud the end of the day with the sun set.
And a gin and tonic.
Today it has evolved into a party with artists, entertainers, music and food. Everyone gathers to watch as the sun sinks lower and lower into the Gulf. And when the last fiery bit of it slips below the water line the crowd erupts into cheers and applause. The sky burns orange on the horizon, and fades into pale lilac and then dark purple as night follows closely behind. If you're lucky there will be a few clouds that add an incredible layer of dimension to the show. Truly beautiful, breathtaking-Glory-of-God moments.
And Florida is so ridiculously flat, if you lived anywhere on the Gulf Coast you could catch the sunset any time.
I used to sit in the grocery store parking lot after work and watch!
But my favorite place in Florida to watch the sun set is Pass A Grille beach. As a child, my family would vacation every summer in St. Petersburg and we spent a lot of time there. The snack bar, The Hurricane restaurant and that beach hold many memories. As an adult living in Brandon, I would make the almost hour long drive to go sit in the sand and watch the sun go down. This was particularly soothing to me during some difficult times. Somehow being there would calm me and help me put things in perspective. And always I would be filled with a deep sense of gratitude.
Since moving to Raleigh I have had a difficult time finding the proper vantage point to catch a spectacular sunset, like the ones I'm used to. This area is much more hilly and densely wooded that it's not as easy as you would think. As I become more familiar with the town I make a mental note when I happen to find a sweet spot.
I am also lucky enough to catch a glimpse of the sunset from the hill just outside my apartment. But it's just not the same as my Florida sunsets.
The most beautiful sunset I have seen in North Carolina was ironically enough, in a grocery store parking lot. It was also the last sunset of 2012. I caught it by accident. I stood at the edge of the lot with cars whizzing by, and I watched the glorious show. With joy and gratitude I said 'Thank You' for another day. And I smiled because I had the overwhelming sense the He was telling me the best is yet to come. It was a perfect way to end the year.
'When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon,
my soul expands in the worship of the creator.'
Mahatma Ghandi
Monday, January 21, 2013
My Wish for You
When was the last time you received or gave a someone a hug and you actually FELT an exchange of the most incredible, positive energy?
When was the last time you were in a room full of people you've just met and felt an overwhelming sense of love and support?
When was the last time you had the chance to go through your 'emotional closet', to take out and examine what no longer serves you? Then honor it, learn from it and release it? In a safe, loving space?
When was the last time you fully understood your pain?
When was the last time you listened to what someone else's impression of you was? And it felt GOOD?
When was the last time you had a conversation with someone using only your EYES?
When was the last time you felt a strong, true connection to someone? Or yourself?
When was the last time something scared the shit out of you but you did it anyway?
When was the last time you felt HEARD?
When was the last time you felt LOVED?
When was the last time you felt ALIVE?
When was the last time you felt WORTHY?
I wish this for all of you.
Namaste,
Nico
'In pain there is possibility, in suffering there is learning.....' ~ Adrial Dale
When was the last time you were in a room full of people you've just met and felt an overwhelming sense of love and support?
When was the last time you had the chance to go through your 'emotional closet', to take out and examine what no longer serves you? Then honor it, learn from it and release it? In a safe, loving space?
When was the last time you fully understood your pain?
When was the last time you listened to what someone else's impression of you was? And it felt GOOD?
When was the last time you had a conversation with someone using only your EYES?
When was the last time you felt a strong, true connection to someone? Or yourself?
When was the last time something scared the shit out of you but you did it anyway?
When was the last time you felt HEARD?
When was the last time you felt LOVED?
When was the last time you felt ALIVE?
When was the last time you felt WORTHY?
I wish this for all of you.
Namaste,
Nico
'In pain there is possibility, in suffering there is learning.....' ~ Adrial Dale
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Showing Up And Being Real
Day two of the seminar and as I knew it would be, a really rough day.
And that's ok.
So many things came up today that I had previously identified and acknowledged, but never allowed myself to fully reconcile. Old pain came alive as if I was experiencing it for the first time. I openly verbalized things that I had only ever said in my own mind, to a room full of people some of whom I had met just yesterday.
I symbolically stepped onto the cliff, looked out over the edge, took a deep breath and jumped straight out into a free fall of searing, raw, terrifying vulnerability.
I showed up and I made myself BE REAL.
And it was worth it.
Today brought more epiphanies, more 'Aha' moments and more opportunities for me to push my boundaries to places I have never gone before.
And I survived. (Inside joke.)
In fact, I did more than survive.
In the middle of that terrifying vulnerability free fall I found my wings and began to fly.
The aching sadness of last night has been replaced with something profoundly different tonight.
The tightness in my chest is gone, the tension in my neck and shoulders is lessened and my heart is wide open.
I have a feeling of peace, calm and a lot more self acceptance.
It's been a good day.
Namaste,
Nico
And that's ok.
So many things came up today that I had previously identified and acknowledged, but never allowed myself to fully reconcile. Old pain came alive as if I was experiencing it for the first time. I openly verbalized things that I had only ever said in my own mind, to a room full of people some of whom I had met just yesterday.
I symbolically stepped onto the cliff, looked out over the edge, took a deep breath and jumped straight out into a free fall of searing, raw, terrifying vulnerability.
I showed up and I made myself BE REAL.
And it was worth it.
Today brought more epiphanies, more 'Aha' moments and more opportunities for me to push my boundaries to places I have never gone before.
And I survived. (Inside joke.)
In fact, I did more than survive.
In the middle of that terrifying vulnerability free fall I found my wings and began to fly.
The aching sadness of last night has been replaced with something profoundly different tonight.
The tightness in my chest is gone, the tension in my neck and shoulders is lessened and my heart is wide open.
I have a feeling of peace, calm and a lot more self acceptance.
It's been a good day.
Namaste,
Nico
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Opening The Floodgates And Letting Grace In
Unbelievable day today was. Seriously challenging......
I recently made the decision to do something good for myself. It's been a rough few months. Stress, fatigue and a new medical challenge have left me drained, unmotivated and feeling like my passion for life and the things that mean the most to me had fizzled.
I desperately needed a mental, emotional and spiritual 'reset'. Something that would reignite the fire in my belly and give me the power to move past whatever the hell has been holding me back.
A dear friend has created a weekend self development seminar and several months back he asked me to help him facilitate the very first one. I eagerly accepted, and as a result had a profoundly life changing experience.
I was (and still am) honored to have witnessed some of the transformations that happened that weekend.
With the success of the first seminar, the planning for the second was in full swing. Expecting to be a staff member again, I was looking forward to another incredible experience. That is until my friend asked me if I wanted to be a participant this time.
WTF? A participant?? Why would I want to do that?
Because I got the feeling you wanted to be, my friend tells me.
Ummmm, NO! I'm the one that helps people, I can't ask for help! That's just crazy!
The reality is the answer was 'Yes'. But I put the decision off until the last minute, going back and forth in my head. I finally give in and tell myself I deserve this, I need to do this for myself.
Challenge #1: Done. Admitting I wanted support.
But as much as I knew I needed to do this, I was still uneasy.
I had been through this weekend before, on the other side as a facilitator. I knew damn well what was going to happen, and that scared the crap out of me. I was going to have to open up some of the most painful parts of my life, take the really 'ugly shit' out and REALLY look at.
And REALLY deal with it.
REALLY.
CRAP!
Flash forward to this morning....... today is THE day. *Sigh* I know this is going to be a rough day, and I think to myself 'I don't want to do this.' But I know in my soul I have to. Suck it up, buttercup!
And off I go.
The seminar starts with guidelines about how the weekend is structured and defining the space we're all holding. My emotions are triggered immediately, and with each activity I find myself becoming more and more vulnerable. My only - or perhaps most important - consolation is that I know so many of the people involved in the seminar, so I feel safe and cared for. The epiphanies start coming and they don't stop. And while the realizations I had are still a bit too personal to share on such a public forum, the truth is this:
It is a totally different thing to IDENTIFY what the root cause of your pain is than it is to actually DEAL WITH IT,
to actually FEEL IT.
Challenge #2: Knowing it and dealing with it are two TOTALLY different things.
Much to my embarrassment, the tears come and I cannot stop them. (Self shaming! I must give myself a hash mark!) But they are cathartic, and I embrace them. I imagine that they are cleansing my soul of all the pain I've held inside for so long. And they keep coming. Through the rest of the seminar. In the car on the way home. Through a glass of wine and the entire composition of this entry, they come. And I am exhausted.
Time for sleep.
Tomorrow is the second day of the seminar and knowing the agenda, I have an idea what it will bring. But still it will be a wild roller coaster ride, so the truth is I really don't know for sure.
I think I'm going to have to just go with it........ throw my arms up in the air, scream like a girl and let that quivery feeling in my stomach remind me that I am alive.
Thank you God for my healing,
Nico
'We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.' ~ Kenji Miyazawa
I recently made the decision to do something good for myself. It's been a rough few months. Stress, fatigue and a new medical challenge have left me drained, unmotivated and feeling like my passion for life and the things that mean the most to me had fizzled.
I desperately needed a mental, emotional and spiritual 'reset'. Something that would reignite the fire in my belly and give me the power to move past whatever the hell has been holding me back.
A dear friend has created a weekend self development seminar and several months back he asked me to help him facilitate the very first one. I eagerly accepted, and as a result had a profoundly life changing experience.
I was (and still am) honored to have witnessed some of the transformations that happened that weekend.
With the success of the first seminar, the planning for the second was in full swing. Expecting to be a staff member again, I was looking forward to another incredible experience. That is until my friend asked me if I wanted to be a participant this time.
WTF? A participant?? Why would I want to do that?
Because I got the feeling you wanted to be, my friend tells me.
Ummmm, NO! I'm the one that helps people, I can't ask for help! That's just crazy!
The reality is the answer was 'Yes'. But I put the decision off until the last minute, going back and forth in my head. I finally give in and tell myself I deserve this, I need to do this for myself.
Challenge #1: Done. Admitting I wanted support.
But as much as I knew I needed to do this, I was still uneasy.
I had been through this weekend before, on the other side as a facilitator. I knew damn well what was going to happen, and that scared the crap out of me. I was going to have to open up some of the most painful parts of my life, take the really 'ugly shit' out and REALLY look at.
And REALLY deal with it.
REALLY.
CRAP!
Flash forward to this morning....... today is THE day. *Sigh* I know this is going to be a rough day, and I think to myself 'I don't want to do this.' But I know in my soul I have to. Suck it up, buttercup!
And off I go.
The seminar starts with guidelines about how the weekend is structured and defining the space we're all holding. My emotions are triggered immediately, and with each activity I find myself becoming more and more vulnerable. My only - or perhaps most important - consolation is that I know so many of the people involved in the seminar, so I feel safe and cared for. The epiphanies start coming and they don't stop. And while the realizations I had are still a bit too personal to share on such a public forum, the truth is this:
It is a totally different thing to IDENTIFY what the root cause of your pain is than it is to actually DEAL WITH IT,
to actually FEEL IT.
Challenge #2: Knowing it and dealing with it are two TOTALLY different things.
Much to my embarrassment, the tears come and I cannot stop them. (Self shaming! I must give myself a hash mark!) But they are cathartic, and I embrace them. I imagine that they are cleansing my soul of all the pain I've held inside for so long. And they keep coming. Through the rest of the seminar. In the car on the way home. Through a glass of wine and the entire composition of this entry, they come. And I am exhausted.
Time for sleep.
Tomorrow is the second day of the seminar and knowing the agenda, I have an idea what it will bring. But still it will be a wild roller coaster ride, so the truth is I really don't know for sure.
I think I'm going to have to just go with it........ throw my arms up in the air, scream like a girl and let that quivery feeling in my stomach remind me that I am alive.
Thank you God for my healing,
Nico
'We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.' ~ Kenji Miyazawa
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2012 - Joyful Sadness
1/1/13, New Year's Day
I love New Year's Day.
The first day of a brand new year.
A fresh start, a clean slate, a mulligan, a new beginning.
A day for looking back on the last 365 days and taking stock in what we have. Being grateful for the blessings and the lessons, the opportunities and the successes, the joy and the sadness.
I usually love the holiday season, it's my favorite time of year. I love that Christmas music starts playing the day after Thanksgiving. I love the lights, the decorations, the traditions and having my family near. But this year was different. It just didn't feel the same.
As positive a person as I am, I found it difficult to find my Christmas spirit in the wake of a multitude of overwhelming events this year. The profound sadness of the tragic shootings in Newtown CT almost completely derailed me in early December. A lackluster economy made it's presence known in retail sales and the worry about the impending 'fiscal cliff' was just too much. And I was not alone. So many people I encountered seemed to feel the same. They say that you attract to yourself what you are sending out. But try as I might to have the holiday spirit, it just didn't work.
So this New Year's Day brings me a sense of relief. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm glad the holiday season is over. It makes me so sad to feel this way.
But as I look back on the past year I am so grateful. It was a great year filled with new friends and new experiences, fantastic opportunities, lots of laughter and LOVE. So many things that brought me so much joy.
And this year I resolve to do more of those things that bring me joy, and to continue to take steps to fulfill my purpose. I will (always) have hope and look forward to each day with a heart and soul that are open to all the glorious possibilities. I will also embrace the sadness, for it is in fully recognizing that, I am able to grow.
I know it's been a very long time since you've heard from me. I hope you'll excuse me if I'm a little rusty and not making much sense. My inner light has been a bit dim lately.
But Grace will get me through. It always does.
Happy New Year to you. May 2013 bring you many blessings.
Namaste,
Nicole
“And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that never were.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
I love New Year's Day.
The first day of a brand new year.
A fresh start, a clean slate, a mulligan, a new beginning.
A day for looking back on the last 365 days and taking stock in what we have. Being grateful for the blessings and the lessons, the opportunities and the successes, the joy and the sadness.
I usually love the holiday season, it's my favorite time of year. I love that Christmas music starts playing the day after Thanksgiving. I love the lights, the decorations, the traditions and having my family near. But this year was different. It just didn't feel the same.
As positive a person as I am, I found it difficult to find my Christmas spirit in the wake of a multitude of overwhelming events this year. The profound sadness of the tragic shootings in Newtown CT almost completely derailed me in early December. A lackluster economy made it's presence known in retail sales and the worry about the impending 'fiscal cliff' was just too much. And I was not alone. So many people I encountered seemed to feel the same. They say that you attract to yourself what you are sending out. But try as I might to have the holiday spirit, it just didn't work.
So this New Year's Day brings me a sense of relief. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm glad the holiday season is over. It makes me so sad to feel this way.
But as I look back on the past year I am so grateful. It was a great year filled with new friends and new experiences, fantastic opportunities, lots of laughter and LOVE. So many things that brought me so much joy.
And this year I resolve to do more of those things that bring me joy, and to continue to take steps to fulfill my purpose. I will (always) have hope and look forward to each day with a heart and soul that are open to all the glorious possibilities. I will also embrace the sadness, for it is in fully recognizing that, I am able to grow.
I know it's been a very long time since you've heard from me. I hope you'll excuse me if I'm a little rusty and not making much sense. My inner light has been a bit dim lately.
But Grace will get me through. It always does.
Happy New Year to you. May 2013 bring you many blessings.
Namaste,
Nicole
“And now let us welcome the new year, full of things that never were.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke
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