Unbelievable day today was. Seriously challenging......
I recently made the decision to do something good for myself. It's been a rough few months. Stress, fatigue and a new medical challenge have left me drained, unmotivated and feeling like my passion for life and the things that mean the most to me had fizzled.
I desperately needed a mental, emotional and spiritual 'reset'. Something that would reignite the fire in my belly and give me the power to move past whatever the hell has been holding me back.
A dear friend has created a weekend self development seminar and several months back he asked me to help him facilitate the very first one. I eagerly accepted, and as a result had a profoundly life changing experience.
I was (and still am) honored to have witnessed some of the transformations that happened that weekend.
With the success of the first seminar, the planning for the second was in full swing. Expecting to be a staff member again, I was looking forward to another incredible experience. That is until my friend asked me if I wanted to be a participant this time.
WTF? A participant?? Why would I want to do that?
Because I got the feeling you wanted to be, my friend tells me.
Ummmm, NO! I'm the one that helps people, I can't ask for help! That's just crazy!
The reality is the answer was 'Yes'. But I put the decision off until the last minute, going back and forth in my head. I finally give in and tell myself I deserve this, I need to do this for myself.
Challenge #1: Done. Admitting I wanted support.
But as much as I knew I needed to do this, I was still uneasy.
I had been through this weekend before, on the other side as a facilitator. I knew damn well what was going to happen, and that scared the crap out of me. I was going to have to open up some of the most painful parts of my life, take the really 'ugly shit' out and REALLY look at.
And REALLY deal with it.
REALLY.
CRAP!
Flash forward to this morning....... today is THE day. *Sigh* I know this is going to be a rough day, and I think to myself 'I don't want to do this.' But I know in my soul I have to. Suck it up, buttercup!
And off I go.
The seminar starts with guidelines about how the weekend is structured and defining the space we're all holding. My emotions are triggered immediately, and with each activity I find myself becoming more and more vulnerable. My only - or perhaps most important - consolation is that I know so many of the people involved in the seminar, so I feel safe and cared for. The epiphanies start coming and they don't stop. And while the realizations I had are still a bit too personal to share on such a public forum, the truth is this:
It is a totally different thing to IDENTIFY what the root cause of your pain is than it is to actually DEAL WITH IT,
to actually FEEL IT.
Challenge #2: Knowing it and dealing with it are two TOTALLY different things.
Much to my embarrassment, the tears come and I cannot stop them. (Self shaming! I must give myself a hash mark!) But they are cathartic, and I embrace them. I imagine that they are cleansing my soul of all the pain I've held inside for so long. And they keep coming. Through the rest of the seminar. In the car on the way home. Through a glass of wine and the entire composition of this entry, they come. And I am exhausted.
Time for sleep.
Tomorrow is the second day of the seminar and knowing the agenda, I have an idea what it will bring. But still it will be a wild roller coaster ride, so the truth is I really don't know for sure.
I think I'm going to have to just go with it........ throw my arms up in the air, scream like a girl and let that quivery feeling in my stomach remind me that I am alive.
Thank you God for my healing,
Nico
'We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.' ~ Kenji Miyazawa
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